We all know we’re not perfect; but the hardest part of not being perfect is having the hard conversation with your spouse about difficult topics constructively and productively. So, today I’m talking about the “how” of having hard conversations with your spouse so that they are constructive and productive. Yes, constructive and productive. It is easy to snap at each other or withdraw into silence. The challenge is to face hardships, irritations, and difficulties head on and discuss them.
Sadly for my husband, he married a counselor who is not content to let him withdraw and is willing to talk about ANYTHING – even the things that are uncomfortable. The poor man is compelled to openly discuss things that bother me, that bother him, that are not typical everyday conversation topics. However, we married with the goal of forever in mind. In order for forever to happen, we have to work and grow together.
Time Your Hard Conversations Intentionally
Be careful about when you choose to address hard conversations or potentially contentious topics. If you’re not both night people, don’t try to bring it up in bed right before falling asleep. If you know that your day is going to be busy, ask your spouse when would be a good time to set aside some time and talk. Yes, it is definitely okay to schedule a time to talk with your spouse! In fact, sometimes this helps you both to go into the talk with clear intentions of how to spend this time.
Focus on One Thing at a Time
When you are going to have a hard conversation on something that is emotionally charged, focus on only one topic. Don’t bring up every other irritation, challenge, or frustration you have had in the past five months! Stay on topic, and hold your partner accountable for doing the same. If they start to bring in other issues, address that head on. Say, “I hear that that is a concern for you. Right now let’s focus on this issue, but let’s make a time to talk about that concern that you have.” Let them know that you aren’t just ignoring them but that you don’t want to get distracted from the topic at hand.
Don’t Be Afraid to Take Breaks During Hard Conversations
It can be tempting to try and resolve everything in the first go-round of a hard conversation. Sometimes, though, an issue needs more time. Your spouse may bring a perspective you hadn’t considered, or it may be so new to them that they need time to process how they actually feel about the issue. Make it a point to allow breaks. The key with a break is to set a time to come back together and finish the conversation. This is the difference between taking a break and someone storming off because they want to avoid engaging. Be sure if you notice your spouse getting too emotional to offer a break. This lets them know that you are paying attention to them and their well-being in spite of the hard conversation.
Be Humble – Make It About Growing as a Couple
You and your spouse are on the same team, so make the hard conversation about growing together as a couple. Be sure to acknowledge where you have struggled with whatever the issue is and ways that you are either going to try to improve or have already been trying. When you are having a hard conversation, it can be easy to try to play the blame game. Avoid this pitfall by being honestly humble about how you may have failed your spouse. This reassures your spouse that you are in this together and that you want to work with them to change things.
Use “I” Language and Avoid Generalizations
Along the same lines as being humble, the language you use to explain your perspective to your spouse plays a huge role in how hard conversations are received. As tempting as it can be to use the words “you always” or “you never”, it is important to avoid these generalizations. Instead, phrase them in terms of specific examples and how those moments affected you. For example: “I feel hurt and unimportant when you prioritize work meetings over dinner with me.” Focus on explaining how you feel rather than assuming you know what your spouse’s thoughts or feelings are. Instead of saying, “You only think about yourself and always disregard what I need,” turn the sentiment into an explanation of what happened and how you felt by saying something like, “I feel unseen and uncared for when you make yourself a plate at dinner and start eating before I have even sat down.”
Pray Before You Start
Praying together, out loud, before you start a hard conversation is one of the best ways to put you both in the headspace of being in this together. By beginning with the focus that your marriage and your love for your spouse is at the center of the conversation, you set yourselves up for so much more success! Take a few moments to ask for the Holy Spirit to give you a spirit of humility and understanding to hear what your spouse has to say and to persevere in your efforts to live together in epic, self-sacrificial love. If you are not a praying couple, it is still good to take a few minutes to just verbalize your desires for these qualities out loud with your spouse to get on the same page and in the same attitude.
You Can Do This!
While these are not the only guidelines for having hard conversations with your spouse, they are certainly some that I recommend both as a wife and as a therapist! If you are looking for more resources to help you navigate these conversations, I have put a few below. And don’t forget, once you have come to a resolution, spend some time doing something fun with your spouse! You can read some of our favorite easy (and inexpensive) date ideas in my post here.
- A printable on the rules of fair fighting from Ball State University
- The Gottman Institute blog has articles on a number of helpful topics as well as many other resources
- This book by John Gottman (can you tell I’m a fan?)
- This book by Marcus and Ashley Kusi is also really helpful
- I’ve heard from others that the Mediator in a Box can be really practical if you are a visual person